Hello.
It's been a year since I last wrote sth in English here... Maybe I'll return someday but now I want to give you a link for my NEW BLOG !
http://depravedlives.blogspot.com/
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Kisses !
niedziela, 3 czerwca 2012
środa, 11 sierpnia 2010
Why being yourself is so hard ?
Life is strange you know. It changes every single day. You also change everyday. I wrote my, previous piece about 2 weeks ago and when I read it now I don’t feel the same way I did then. Many things have changed from that day and it has been only 2 weeks! Although, this piece is incomplete I don’t want to leave it unread so I’ll quote that and write something more. Something which is on my mind at this moment and which was also unfinished then.
“Last time I wrote something about friendships. I must say that not much has changed since that time.. I only apologized to my friend from Scotland and said that I’m sorry but she seemed like she didn’t care about my apologies and.. about me… anymore. I don’t know… I hope we’ll catch up later, because now I’m resting. ( Btw, We’re having a great time now and it’s the past :p )
I like being prepared for everything, having schedules for all the week and I rarely make spontaneous decisions ( it changed recently in fact but I like that) , but sometimes we can’t predict everything, can we? . I’m sorry if for some people changing my mind is kind of a problem.. I really can do nothing about that. For instance, yesterday I was watching a film and eating ice-creams and I didn’t expect anything to happen. Suddenly my old friend came to me and said “ Tomorrow. 8 o’clock! You’re going with me to a lake for a week!” Considering that I haven’t been anywhere for about 5 years and that I recently haven’t spent much time with her I decided to go there, relax, forget about “dark reality” and have fun, but my other friends had a huge problem with that. Sorry but I also need some time for myself!
What I wanted to write in this piece is connected with my thoughts about life, dreams, thankfulness, regrets and wishes.
While I was driving in a car this morning, I looked through the window and I thought “ Poland isn’t that bad, is it? Besides those holes in roads about which everybody complains, but still, we are Polish! We should probably appreciate our country no matter what!” Then my dreamer-side “showed up” and another voice in my head said “ Yeah right. Poland isn’t bad? Pff… think about NY , London, Australia, other countries in Europe and all the places you’ve always dreamed about. They rock! “. After such situations I’m confused. I love Poland but as far as I can remember I have always dreamed about English being my first language and I wanted to be one of the girls from American movies. I wanted to be beautiful, brave, have stunning clothes and money for every single wish and those gorgeous boys !
On the other hand, I feel foolish when I don’t appreciate my life, because it can always be WORSE, can’t it ?! Think about other peoples’ problems.. Diseases, disabilities, troubles in work and private lives, wars, murders, accidents… don’t you feel strange when you compare small, everyday failures, teenagers’ problems and not having access to the Internet while you’re out of town to those most serious and unhappy matters ? Because I do feel stupid and selfish. How can we complain about awful weather, poorly dyed hair, an unfair ( often only we think it’s unfair) comment about our photo at some stupid portal or about not having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, while at the same time on the Earth so many horrible things are happening? The world is beautiful but also very cruel and we have to remember that. So why can’t be grateful for what we have, just enjoy little things and smile all the time ? I guess because the human race will always want more and more even if they already have almost everything!
The things which I mentioned here are related to “being yourself”. People are seldom happy about who they are, how they look, how they act in their lives and they are jealous about other people. Do you know anybody who has never wanted to change something about his or her life? Because I don’t.
I hate this feeling when even I cannot accept things I’ve done. I think we should be proud of ourselves when we did something great and ashamed when we made mistakes. “
And here is my unfinished thought which I have on my mind all the time. Mistakes. What about them ? Not that long ago I was afraid of making mistakes. I didn’t want to make them if I had known exactly what result they would have. But now even if know what can happen if I do something doubtful I want to try it out because there’re always two possibilities. It can go very wrong but it can also go right and maybe I’ll be happy about what I’ve done. If we don’t do what we want and if we always wonder about how things can go, we’ll lose a lot of time. It’s true that we should consider everything we’re going to do before we act but we can’t think about it too much, because first thoughts are the best and after every minute of thinking “maybe no, maybe yes” we have more doubts about our plans. Maybe it’s stupid, but I think people should sometimes forget about the consequences, just try to be themselves and live their lives as there will be no second chances.
Right now, when it’s 1 am, I can’t think clearly and my reflections are kinda’ messy I guess. So maybe that will be enough for today because anyhow I won’t be able to say everything I want to say during one night because it’s impossible. Next time I’ll try to write more clearly and to the point.
“Last time I wrote something about friendships. I must say that not much has changed since that time.. I only apologized to my friend from Scotland and said that I’m sorry but she seemed like she didn’t care about my apologies and.. about me… anymore. I don’t know… I hope we’ll catch up later, because now I’m resting. ( Btw, We’re having a great time now and it’s the past :p )
I like being prepared for everything, having schedules for all the week and I rarely make spontaneous decisions ( it changed recently in fact but I like that) , but sometimes we can’t predict everything, can we? . I’m sorry if for some people changing my mind is kind of a problem.. I really can do nothing about that. For instance, yesterday I was watching a film and eating ice-creams and I didn’t expect anything to happen. Suddenly my old friend came to me and said “ Tomorrow. 8 o’clock! You’re going with me to a lake for a week!” Considering that I haven’t been anywhere for about 5 years and that I recently haven’t spent much time with her I decided to go there, relax, forget about “dark reality” and have fun, but my other friends had a huge problem with that. Sorry but I also need some time for myself!
What I wanted to write in this piece is connected with my thoughts about life, dreams, thankfulness, regrets and wishes.
While I was driving in a car this morning, I looked through the window and I thought “ Poland isn’t that bad, is it? Besides those holes in roads about which everybody complains, but still, we are Polish! We should probably appreciate our country no matter what!” Then my dreamer-side “showed up” and another voice in my head said “ Yeah right. Poland isn’t bad? Pff… think about NY , London, Australia, other countries in Europe and all the places you’ve always dreamed about. They rock! “. After such situations I’m confused. I love Poland but as far as I can remember I have always dreamed about English being my first language and I wanted to be one of the girls from American movies. I wanted to be beautiful, brave, have stunning clothes and money for every single wish and those gorgeous boys !
On the other hand, I feel foolish when I don’t appreciate my life, because it can always be WORSE, can’t it ?! Think about other peoples’ problems.. Diseases, disabilities, troubles in work and private lives, wars, murders, accidents… don’t you feel strange when you compare small, everyday failures, teenagers’ problems and not having access to the Internet while you’re out of town to those most serious and unhappy matters ? Because I do feel stupid and selfish. How can we complain about awful weather, poorly dyed hair, an unfair ( often only we think it’s unfair) comment about our photo at some stupid portal or about not having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, while at the same time on the Earth so many horrible things are happening? The world is beautiful but also very cruel and we have to remember that. So why can’t be grateful for what we have, just enjoy little things and smile all the time ? I guess because the human race will always want more and more even if they already have almost everything!
The things which I mentioned here are related to “being yourself”. People are seldom happy about who they are, how they look, how they act in their lives and they are jealous about other people. Do you know anybody who has never wanted to change something about his or her life? Because I don’t.
I hate this feeling when even I cannot accept things I’ve done. I think we should be proud of ourselves when we did something great and ashamed when we made mistakes. “
And here is my unfinished thought which I have on my mind all the time. Mistakes. What about them ? Not that long ago I was afraid of making mistakes. I didn’t want to make them if I had known exactly what result they would have. But now even if know what can happen if I do something doubtful I want to try it out because there’re always two possibilities. It can go very wrong but it can also go right and maybe I’ll be happy about what I’ve done. If we don’t do what we want and if we always wonder about how things can go, we’ll lose a lot of time. It’s true that we should consider everything we’re going to do before we act but we can’t think about it too much, because first thoughts are the best and after every minute of thinking “maybe no, maybe yes” we have more doubts about our plans. Maybe it’s stupid, but I think people should sometimes forget about the consequences, just try to be themselves and live their lives as there will be no second chances.
Right now, when it’s 1 am, I can’t think clearly and my reflections are kinda’ messy I guess. So maybe that will be enough for today because anyhow I won’t be able to say everything I want to say during one night because it’s impossible. Next time I’ll try to write more clearly and to the point.
wtorek, 29 czerwca 2010
Part 2
Looking for the best way to go…
The first days are tough. I mean, every time when we do something for the first time we don’t know what can happen. It’s also related to first friendships, enchantments, choices in our lives, opinions which are different from others’ people's and even to trying out some new food and the like. In each situation you take risk and you never know how it will end up.
I wanted my first day of holidays to be something extra, fresh and different but I guess people can’t change their lives overnight. So I decided to slow down and try to put things together, because lately I’m a little bit confused about everything.
During the last 6 months my mind was totally away from reality. I dreamed every day, every night, every hour, minute, and second, which was very pleasant for me as I loooooooveeeee dreaming. However, it was also a huge waste of time in fact. What do I get from dreaming all of the time? Great feelings while dreaming but nothing else, because none of my dreams has come besides several delightful moments when I felt like “ Oh ,finally something nice happened” but they were just, maybe, 9 from
36479246479 of my perfect dreams to come true soon. That’s why recently I said to myself “ Stop! It’s time to live your life!” but trust me, sometimes it’s better to run away from your real life, those problems which make you feel upset and miserable and imagine the same things but 200% better, in your head.
Anyway, we can’t avoid problems all the time, can we? So my new idea is to get through them and when you feel valuable, start doing things you’ve always wanted to do.
Personally, I want to speed up with getting through problems and go straight to doing what I want. Today I cleaned my mind and I realized I have so many things to do! First of all, I have to see all my friends. While I was wasting time dreaming about stupid “loves” and things for which I don’t have money now( namely, traveling), I forgot how lucky I am to have such great people around me… I remember my girlfriends consoling me, saying that everything’s going to be all right and I feel stupid and guilty… Why did I neglected them ? They should be the most important! and I have to be for them too, not just for complaining how unhappy I am! I think I’ve just got to the point where I tell myself to care more about them. But honestly maybe I am overreacting a little bit after all. Because the truth is they ARE the most important for me. I really listen to them, help them and also console them as I do crazy things which always make them laugh. I just have too much of them…
Look. This morning when I decided to spend some time with my friends I didn’t know whom I should call first.. I spent last night at my cousin’s place and I had fun. During the last weekend I also spent time with him and his sister, which made me kinda’ unavailable for my friend from Scotland who I hasn’t seen since winter holiday and who wanted to see me after her arrival to Poland on Saturday… And what happened? Of course I couldn’t be there for her due to the fact that my cousins also needed me. I can’t be in two places at the same moment :( And it does happen all the time. I don’t want to brag or something…but everybody wants to see me.. and I’m not happy about that because I can’t do it and then they are mad at me. All I want is to make my dearest people happy but sometimes I can’t give it to all of them...
In recent past I spent most of the time with my schoolmates, which took me such a lot of time that I couldn’t meet my other friends. I really miss them. For example my best friend who I met 5 years ago while we were riding horses..She is very important to me, but school, our private lives, extra activities just don’t give us time to meet and talk like we used to do…
This whole situation is hard for me. I want everybody to be happy. I’m not saying this because I want to look like a great and perfect person... This is how I feel. This is my main aim in life. And if you think this is not true you can ask people who know me well.
Apart from those typical teenage problem I’m A very positive and active person, I guess. I want to do so many things during this summer and I wonder if 2 months will be enough for all of them! Let’s see… I want to : spend time with most of my friends, meet new people (or maybe it will be just another problem?) go swimming, run, ride a horse, ride a bike, play tennis, play volleyball, go to the gym, exercise every day to be fit, eat healthy food, read books, go to the cinema at least 4 times, go to a party, go to the seaside, learn for FCE exam, make a herbarium and blah blah blah… I think it’s too much already. And as I wrote at the beginning “Looking for the best way to go” I guess I wanted to ask myself What should I do first? How should I make a plan which will include all the points?
I know my writing is kinda’ messy and it might be hard to understand it but I haven’t cleaned my mind fully yet so my notes can be still chaotic for some time.. Maybe this “Throwing out thoughts” will help me to find the most appropriate way to go…
Btw. I'm leaving the city tomorrow for a week so read this two pieces and comment sometimes ;) Take care.
The first days are tough. I mean, every time when we do something for the first time we don’t know what can happen. It’s also related to first friendships, enchantments, choices in our lives, opinions which are different from others’ people's and even to trying out some new food and the like. In each situation you take risk and you never know how it will end up.
I wanted my first day of holidays to be something extra, fresh and different but I guess people can’t change their lives overnight. So I decided to slow down and try to put things together, because lately I’m a little bit confused about everything.
During the last 6 months my mind was totally away from reality. I dreamed every day, every night, every hour, minute, and second, which was very pleasant for me as I loooooooveeeee dreaming. However, it was also a huge waste of time in fact. What do I get from dreaming all of the time? Great feelings while dreaming but nothing else, because none of my dreams has come besides several delightful moments when I felt like “ Oh ,finally something nice happened” but they were just, maybe, 9 from
36479246479 of my perfect dreams to come true soon. That’s why recently I said to myself “ Stop! It’s time to live your life!” but trust me, sometimes it’s better to run away from your real life, those problems which make you feel upset and miserable and imagine the same things but 200% better, in your head.
Anyway, we can’t avoid problems all the time, can we? So my new idea is to get through them and when you feel valuable, start doing things you’ve always wanted to do.
Personally, I want to speed up with getting through problems and go straight to doing what I want. Today I cleaned my mind and I realized I have so many things to do! First of all, I have to see all my friends. While I was wasting time dreaming about stupid “loves” and things for which I don’t have money now( namely, traveling), I forgot how lucky I am to have such great people around me… I remember my girlfriends consoling me, saying that everything’s going to be all right and I feel stupid and guilty… Why did I neglected them ? They should be the most important! and I have to be for them too, not just for complaining how unhappy I am! I think I’ve just got to the point where I tell myself to care more about them. But honestly maybe I am overreacting a little bit after all. Because the truth is they ARE the most important for me. I really listen to them, help them and also console them as I do crazy things which always make them laugh. I just have too much of them…
Look. This morning when I decided to spend some time with my friends I didn’t know whom I should call first.. I spent last night at my cousin’s place and I had fun. During the last weekend I also spent time with him and his sister, which made me kinda’ unavailable for my friend from Scotland who I hasn’t seen since winter holiday and who wanted to see me after her arrival to Poland on Saturday… And what happened? Of course I couldn’t be there for her due to the fact that my cousins also needed me. I can’t be in two places at the same moment :( And it does happen all the time. I don’t want to brag or something…but everybody wants to see me.. and I’m not happy about that because I can’t do it and then they are mad at me. All I want is to make my dearest people happy but sometimes I can’t give it to all of them...
In recent past I spent most of the time with my schoolmates, which took me such a lot of time that I couldn’t meet my other friends. I really miss them. For example my best friend who I met 5 years ago while we were riding horses..She is very important to me, but school, our private lives, extra activities just don’t give us time to meet and talk like we used to do…
This whole situation is hard for me. I want everybody to be happy. I’m not saying this because I want to look like a great and perfect person... This is how I feel. This is my main aim in life. And if you think this is not true you can ask people who know me well.
Apart from those typical teenage problem I’m A very positive and active person, I guess. I want to do so many things during this summer and I wonder if 2 months will be enough for all of them! Let’s see… I want to : spend time with most of my friends, meet new people (or maybe it will be just another problem?) go swimming, run, ride a horse, ride a bike, play tennis, play volleyball, go to the gym, exercise every day to be fit, eat healthy food, read books, go to the cinema at least 4 times, go to a party, go to the seaside, learn for FCE exam, make a herbarium and blah blah blah… I think it’s too much already. And as I wrote at the beginning “Looking for the best way to go” I guess I wanted to ask myself What should I do first? How should I make a plan which will include all the points?
I know my writing is kinda’ messy and it might be hard to understand it but I haven’t cleaned my mind fully yet so my notes can be still chaotic for some time.. Maybe this “Throwing out thoughts” will help me to find the most appropriate way to go…
Btw. I'm leaving the city tomorrow for a week so read this two pieces and comment sometimes ;) Take care.
Holidays - new beginnig ?
Me and teenagers’ problems.
It's 11:08 pm. I decided to count the days of my perfect, cheerful holidays from tomorrow, so now I have about 50 minutes more of 'dark reality'. During the last 8 months I did things which, I think, every average teenager does in her or his life. I learned, spent time with friends, sat in front of the computer, did house chores and coped with things I considered ' hard not to worry about'.
Why are young people always concerned about small, stupid things that in fact, later, don't really matter? Does every teenager have that kind of problems? My first thought is : yes, they all worry about such small complications, but when I think about it more I can tell you ,NO definitely not! You don't know what I'm talking about? Here is the thing. It's about sex.
When you're a boy you don't care about anything. You just wake up, eat, do some things that help you get through the day, play computer games, eat, break somebody's heart and you just go to sleep with no pangs of conscience ! Ohhh I hate that! And you're right, I'm a girl.
Girls in my age are so.. hm I must say that : naive. When you're young you want to look perfect for boys, your girlfriends or for your "enemies" to piss them off. You want to be smart, intelligent and funny. Every day after school you have to go out, because if you don't do it you won't be popular. You have a perfect family, friends, grades, a fully developed virtual life in the Internet but something is missing... This is what you want the most at this moment of your life. 'True' Love. I don't' know if I'm right but I guess 95% of teenage girls want that. And you know what? I'll tell you that this is all LIE and it doesn't exist. Really. You want to know why? The answer is simple. Boys just aren't ready for love at this age( neither are girls, but they at least try to do something about that!), and we can't blame them for that. They're right when they say " This 'young adventure' (they mean love in girls’ language) won't survive" But why can’t they give it a try? Have some fun with another person? Are they scared? Nobody knows that, and nobody knows why when they already decide to hang out a little bit and when they send the signals which say "This is it. We're going to be very happy together", suddenly they run away and they leave you exactly at the same time when you wanted to launch out. !!!
I must admit that the feeling after such a situation is awful... You feel like this is the end of the world (I know this is a kind of overstatement but it's true!). You hate this person but in fact you want him to come back and you want to feel butterflies in your stomach again.
Usually people fall in love in spring and their 'hot romance' lasts the whole summer. They're happy. Then they fight, they break up, they kiss, they make up... and all those things make them happy and feeling alive!
Why do I care about it? And why do I compare my unhappiness to others' lives full of love ? I guess, because I want to feel it too. I want to feel happy. Especially after having waited for 'love', having found enchantment, having had butterflies in my stomach and finally after having had my heart broken by a careless teenage boy.
I said those were the last 50 minutes of "dark reality". I promise myself not to worry about small failures and just enjoy my life during the holidays. Now, what I want the most is to forget about things which happened lately and start a new chapter in my life with new "characters" and a new romantic plot.
So, let's the summer break begin!
It's 11:08 pm. I decided to count the days of my perfect, cheerful holidays from tomorrow, so now I have about 50 minutes more of 'dark reality'. During the last 8 months I did things which, I think, every average teenager does in her or his life. I learned, spent time with friends, sat in front of the computer, did house chores and coped with things I considered ' hard not to worry about'.
Why are young people always concerned about small, stupid things that in fact, later, don't really matter? Does every teenager have that kind of problems? My first thought is : yes, they all worry about such small complications, but when I think about it more I can tell you ,NO definitely not! You don't know what I'm talking about? Here is the thing. It's about sex.
When you're a boy you don't care about anything. You just wake up, eat, do some things that help you get through the day, play computer games, eat, break somebody's heart and you just go to sleep with no pangs of conscience ! Ohhh I hate that! And you're right, I'm a girl.
Girls in my age are so.. hm I must say that : naive. When you're young you want to look perfect for boys, your girlfriends or for your "enemies" to piss them off. You want to be smart, intelligent and funny. Every day after school you have to go out, because if you don't do it you won't be popular. You have a perfect family, friends, grades, a fully developed virtual life in the Internet but something is missing... This is what you want the most at this moment of your life. 'True' Love. I don't' know if I'm right but I guess 95% of teenage girls want that. And you know what? I'll tell you that this is all LIE and it doesn't exist. Really. You want to know why? The answer is simple. Boys just aren't ready for love at this age( neither are girls, but they at least try to do something about that!), and we can't blame them for that. They're right when they say " This 'young adventure' (they mean love in girls’ language) won't survive" But why can’t they give it a try? Have some fun with another person? Are they scared? Nobody knows that, and nobody knows why when they already decide to hang out a little bit and when they send the signals which say "This is it. We're going to be very happy together", suddenly they run away and they leave you exactly at the same time when you wanted to launch out. !!!
I must admit that the feeling after such a situation is awful... You feel like this is the end of the world (I know this is a kind of overstatement but it's true!). You hate this person but in fact you want him to come back and you want to feel butterflies in your stomach again.
Usually people fall in love in spring and their 'hot romance' lasts the whole summer. They're happy. Then they fight, they break up, they kiss, they make up... and all those things make them happy and feeling alive!
Why do I care about it? And why do I compare my unhappiness to others' lives full of love ? I guess, because I want to feel it too. I want to feel happy. Especially after having waited for 'love', having found enchantment, having had butterflies in my stomach and finally after having had my heart broken by a careless teenage boy.
I said those were the last 50 minutes of "dark reality". I promise myself not to worry about small failures and just enjoy my life during the holidays. Now, what I want the most is to forget about things which happened lately and start a new chapter in my life with new "characters" and a new romantic plot.
So, let's the summer break begin!
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